A message to me, to you, to all of us

Life is tough. It's messy and it's complicated and it's unpredictable and at the core of it, it's very lonely. So why bother? Because there is a world out there that is so amazing it will take your breath away, and there are people out there who will move you and surprise you and inspire you. So whether it's the next great human invention, or the next gorgeous landscape, there's something out there just waiting for you to see. So do what you need to do so you can get there.

A day in the Life

After reading a bunch of these this week, I've decided this is a meme I can really do, so here it is. It got a little long, sorry for that (and I did edit a bunch of boring work stuff out). I was hoping to have some pictures to include, but unfortunately discovered too late that there was no memory card in the camera :(

6:47: Wake up, realize I can still sleep for w bit, doze off

6:58: DH stumbles out of bed, up for the day

7:00: I can hear BR get out of bed, expecting her to come wake me up as she usually does. But instead she heads to the kitchen with Daddy. I quickly contemplate staying in bed for a while longer, but decide to just get up and join everyone in the kitchen.

7:05: Breakfast time in the kitchen. As usual, it's just cereal with milk. Each one of us has a different kind of milk (cow's milk, soy milk and almond milk). From time to time I get up to get a head start on lunch making, which usually happens the night before but last night I skipped it.

7:25: Breakfast is over, time to finish preparing lunches for BR and myself. DH is working from home today, so he can take care of his own lunch at noon.

7:30: Head back to my room to get dressed. I'm usually competing with BR as to who can be dressed first, but she's only missing her socks while I'm still gathering my outfit. She wins hands down, and goes to pack her lunch in her lunchbox.

7:38: Dressed and ready to go, I gather my stuff (laptop and lunch) into my bag. Head to the bathroom for hairdos.

7:43: My hair is done, we're actually running early (huh?) so decide on a fancy hairdo for BR. Two french braids both sides joining together at the back. Inspired by the closing ceremonies of the Olympics we watched the night before :)

7:49: Time for jackets boots, mitts, hats etc. It snowed last night, and the driveway pure ice covered with a fresh coat of snow. Gotta be careful out there!

7:52: Head out to the garage to get in the car. DH is sweet enough to accompany us to the garage, helping to carry the myriad of bags we're bringing (can't forget the piano class this afternoon). Just as we approach the garage I slide on the ice, flailing, slipping, twisting and sliding, but amazingly I manage to remain upright, if terribly ungraceful.

7:54: Off we go. It was a cold night, so the car is freezing, so I am again thankful for seat heaters :)

7:59: We've arrived at BR's daycare. Quick dropoff, say hi to the other kids and teachers, and I am out the door.

8:04: Time for the second part of my commute, daycare to work. Car is now a lot warmer, and I can set my radio to CBC. It's a quick commute, only two traffic lights.

8:14: I'm at work, and it's early, so I get a choice parking spot. Chilly walk through the parking lot and walkway to the building, once inside it's one floor up the stairs and to the end of the floor to my cubicle.

8:20: At my desk, They're still working on the roof, so I get to see all kinds of activity through the window, workers and machinery. Since it snowed, they have to do some snow removal (again!). For the umpteenth time I wonder why they're doing roof work in the winter, always seems like every time they make any progress there's another snow fall and they need to haul snowblowers onto the roof!

8:35: A friend drops by and we head to the coffee room. I just grab a cupful of hot water for my daily mint tea.

8:45: Head back to my desk, to attack the stack of emails that have accumulated since I last checked them at 10:30 last night. Will have no time to prep for my meetings of the morning.

9:30: First meeting.

10:00: Time for the next meeting - luckily in the same room. We have 5 people in the room and 4 on the line from India. I didn't prepare much to talk about, so I'm hoping we can have a quick one. But as usual we get onto some interesting topic and fill the hour.

11:00: Need to have a discussion about a different issue. There's 4 of us in different locations, and it takes us almost a half hour to figure out how to get a phone conversation going. Finally we get a teleconference setup. The meeting is slow and boring, and I am getting hungry.

12:00: Time for lunch, but a few more issues popped up that I want to address first.

12:20: Ok, I'm getting too hungry, going to warm up my lunch the coffee room. Bring it back to my desk and continue working on the myriad of things on the go.

1:00: and 2:00: Two more meetings. Need I say more

3:00: Time to make some progress on my actual work. Need to hurry, as I need to leave early today to make it to BR's piano practice. Aiming for 4:15.

4:15: Someone drops by my desk to alert me to a brand new issue that is coming my way. I should be heading out, but decide to take a quick look to see what is going on (curiosity something something?)

4:36: Get up from my desk in a hurry. Need to run down the hallway, trying to make it to the car as fast as I can.

4:41: Made it to the car, I'm on my way. Meet a deer at the edge of the parking lot, what a cutie!

4:52: Picking up BR. She's dragging her feet, doesn't want to leave her drawing and her friends. Finally get her to put on her jacket and boots, and we get to the car.

4:57: Heading to the piano lesson, there's no way we can make it there for 5, but no need to panic (right?).

5:04: We arrive to the piano lesson, run in and profusely apologize for the lateness.

5:05: I sit down and start writing the summary of my day. In 30 minutes, I've only made it to 10am?

5:35: Lesson over, time to head home. Trying to hurry BR along, but she's still ornery and annoyed at being told what to do. I brainstom with her alternative modes of transportation home...

5:51: We're home. I am exhausted. Luckily we have some leftovers for supper. Spinach, avocado, tomato salad, and coleslaw, as well as egg salad for the grownups. Pancakes for the kid who will not touch salad.

6:01: The doorbell rings. Our neighbour is canvassing for the Heart and Stroke Foundation. We only see her a handful of times during the year, so we have a chat to catch up on things. Her youngest is going to university this year - eek!

6:25: Our neighbour is heading home to prepare dinner for her family. We can finally resume eating and catching up on the days events.

6:45: BR asks whether we still have some Olympics competitions recorded, and since we do, we plop ourselves on the couch to watch some figure skating. I take out my laptop to work on that new issue that popped up before I left work. DH is cleaning up in the kitchen.

7:15: Time's up. BR has a quick cereal snack with Daddy, while I try to wrap up the work stuff.

7:30: Bedtime routine starts: tooth brushing, hair brushing, putting cream on little hands that are getting full of eczema. Quick bedtime story, three songs, and she's asleep by 8.

8:00: I'm back to the couch with the work laptop. Worky, worky, worky...

9:10: Call my Mum for a quick chat. It's a quick one today, we'll be taking a quick trip to Montreal tomorrow and we'll see her then, so we'll get a chance for a longer conversation :)

9:25: Time to finish this blog entry. It's getting so long! I also need to write an entry for BRs blog :)

10:05: Bedtime for the grownups. Another day just flew by.

Owl-icious

Last weekend we celebrated BR's sixth birthday. We talked about themes for a while, and eventually settled on a theme of "owls". There's lots of owls in town lately (though we haven't seen any yet), so it seemed quite appropriate.

The party was at a martial arts place in our neighbourhood, so the only things we had to worry about were loot bags and some food to supplement the pizza included. We got an ice-cream cake decorated with an owl (didn't quite work out as nicely as I was hoping), and spent the morning preparing the little snacks.

We had small owl sandwiches (cream cheese and hummus with cucumber eyes and baby carrot noses).

A veggie platter with dip eyes:

And owl cupcakes with eyes made of round cookies with chocolate chips and noses made out of dried fruit snacks:

Pretty happy with how the snacks turned out. The kids were quite happy with the cupcakes, eating off the decorations and licking off the icing :)

Happy 2014!

Time for introspection...

A few weeks ago, a good friend (whom I unfortunately don't get to see often enough), asked me a pointed question - "Are you depressed?". My first reaction was to say of course not! I can't remember the last time I had a hard time getting out of bed (my reference point for depression?)... And then I realized that it's pretty much impossible for me to stay in bed with a four year old who needs me to get up at the before 7 every day :)

And so I started thinking about it some more, and couldn't really come up with a conclusive answer. I've been so focused on my kid, and all the logistics of juggling work and family etc, I've clearly spent very little time examining my own emotions. So little time in fact, that I can't even tell where my emotions are at. Of course I am very skilled at burying any and all inconvenient emotions...

So I've decided to dig a little deeper and figure out what is going on with me. And to keep myself honest, I'm putting it all up on the blog. Hopefully I can keep it up and update as I figure things out. Of course time is (and will be for the foreseeable future) in short supply in these parts, so the updates may have to be short...

Insensitive comments

Sigh... Sometimes I think I get too worked up over things. But maybe it's worth it if it makes for good blog post fodder/motivation?

At lunchtime today, a coworker who has two kids (the older is BR's age) was talking about getting up to tend to the younger one in the middle of the night. Another coworker was questioning her about it, suggesting it may be time to night wean and sleep train the youngster. I chimed in to say that BR was still waking up most nights at 2 and a half... This was meant as a helpful comment, letting my friend know that other kids also woke up in the middle of the night at her son's age, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

Turns out I should have kept my mouth shut. I was told I didn't know what I was talking about since I only had one kid, and that just cannot compare to having two of them. Never mind that I wasn't trying to compare, or even say anything like "I know how you feel", since I am well aware that I don't. I sure didn't appreciate having it shoved in my face, though, and basically being told that I am not part of the group, because I only have one child.

Of course, having two children is different than having one (and in most cases, harder, especially in the early years). But at the same time, I would hope that as adults we would not be induging in silly games of "I have it so much harder than you", especially when it comes to such a minefield as human reproduction. Arguably, people have somewhat of an idea of what's coming when they decide to have a second child. On the other hand, some of us may not appreciate to be reminded that we "only" have one child (and that's all we'll ever have - queue the tiny violins).

Anyway, I guess my lesson here is to learn to keep my mouth shut. Won't be easy!

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest I feel better now :)

A lot of work ahead, and some fun

It's been a hard week in our household. BR is going through another phase of asserting her independence, wanting to control absolutely everything and fighting us tooth and nail if things don't go her way. I had kind of hoped the "terrible two's" were behind us, and all of a sudden we get tantrums like we haven't seen before.

Today I realized something: at least part of the problem in the last few weeks has been on my part. In the past, when BR had a meltdown or a tantrum, I remembered that she was just a kid (baby, really), trying to sort out her emotions, and not able to handle them. I think we've been fairly successful in navigating those waters.

This time things are different. BR seems defiant, and trying to push boundaries in ways she's never done before. While in the past she might have fought us on one thing or another, because she actually cared about that specific thing, we could often negotiate with her and explain why things had to be done a certain way. Now, once she gets into the fighting spirit, she will fight over anything and everything, and there's just no negotiating at all. She does not want to hear it.

Unfortunately, this is where I discovered how stubborn I really am. I can't believe I never really wondered about my stubbornness before, but at least now I know. I get it into my head that my job is to enforce some boundaries, and while I try to do my best to pick my battles, once the line in the sand is drawn, I stick to it. Not that it feels good, mind you. I get annoyed and frustrated, but I won't give in, and we and up in a battle of wills.

Anyway, half the battle is figuring out the problem, and today I realized how much baggage I am bringing into the whole exchange and how much resentment it stirs up inside me. I'm realizing that I don't enjoy being the rule enforcer, but I don't know how to do anything other than deal with rules. The saving grace thus far has been the fact that BR also loves rules (taking after her Mum I guess), and so as long as we explain things well at her level, we were usually ok.

Anyway, all that as a long way of explaining that I have a fair bit of work to do to apply this new found knowledge/understanding, and work at diffusing situations by not letting these altercations get the best of me and not contribute to the escalation. Wish me luck!

Luckily there are lots of fun things planned for the weekend too, that we can look forward to (playdates and things!), so I'm hoping it will all be good in the end :)

Gack!

...to borrow BR's favourite expression of frustration :)

Of course as soon as I decide to participate in NaPoBloMo, our internet access goes all kablooey as soon as rain started on Sunday. Two days of slow as molasses internet meant that I only updated BR's blog.

On the plus side, all the forced introspection to find out some things to let go of really did seem to work out pretty well. I am feeling a lot less overwhelmed today than I was on Friday, which has gotta be a good thing :)

Things I am ready to let go of: parental guilt at not always being the 100% perfect parent (easier said than done, but I'm working on it), as well as stressing out over my current weight/appearance. I think I am about 10lbs heavier than this time last year and have been trying to find non-intrusive ways to deal with that (as to not overburden myself), but just the fact that I'm regularly thinking about it is tiring enough. So out it goes.

So that's that :) Bedtime now, but more musings to come later.

Filler

Ok, so I'm not going to hit the one post a day thing, not even close, and things are a little busy/chaotic right now, but I figured I had a minute to post this photo from a few weeks ago. It's not the supermoon, but it's close (a few days earlier):

So far so good

Well, instead of decluttering, today we decided to fill up our day by heading to a sugar bush. It was a nice family activity, outside in the beautiful sun, walking through the woods and enjoying the sights. We got there early enough that there weren't too many crowds, which was pretty nice.

We got back home for a quick snack and went out for some errands. On our way back, BR fell asleep in the car just as we were getting home, so I sat with her in the car (while DH was taking his own nap inside the house), and managed to finish reading one of my library books - Parking Lot Rules.

The rest of the day went by in a blur, but at least having finished the book I now have one less thing on my plate :) It was worthwhile to finish the book, while a lot of the content was common sense, it had some helpful reminders. I think the whole reason I checked it out of the library was because I needed some of these reminders, so it all works out well!

Still not much progress on yesterday's goal for the weekend, but I do have a whole other day to work on it - I am optimistic!

NaPoBloMo

I'm going to try something new this month. Clearly the last attempt at blogging more often did not work all that very well... So this month I will be aiming for short posts, but daily (eek!).

Today's prompt is "What are you ready to let go of?". And I am not sure of the answer. It is clear to me that I am juggling too many things at once (hence the radio silence on the blog). Work is very demanding at this point, and I am on a path to join the ranks of management - I am hoping that it would mean less work hours, or specifically, less overtime hours... But in the meantime it means putting even more responsibilities on my plate as I learn to navigate the chasm (between grunt and management)

At home, I am working on completing a personal interest course, which I am hoping to finish by this summer.

On the other hand, there's all the home obligations - BR's blog (not dropping that), food prep, laundry (also not negotiable), preparing for the trip to Poland at the end of the month, and possibly a few smaller trips in the summer.

I also have a few library books on the go. Now that I'm typing it all out, it does sound like I've crammed a few too many things into my schedule - and that is even ignoring the miscellaneous dentist and doctor visits that have a tendency to crop up...

Which actually leads me to one answer - maybe it's time for me to let go of the need to "improve" myself on all fronts (exercise, reading, self-improvement, you name it). So my goal for this weekend is to choose a single goal to focus on for the next three months. Hopefully I can come up with a targeted focus that will leave me feeling less harried and confused...

Here's hoping :)

Navel gazing with a needle in my arm

Funny thing happened today at work. First of all, because of the big snow storm, barely anyone showed up at work. Secondly, a blood donor clinic had been scheduled in our cafeteria, and they weren't very busy. I had tried giving blood in the past, and always ended up feeling faint, and I was told to try again after having a child.

So today it felt like the perfect situation to try again. I went down, filled out the paperwork, spent a fair amount of time waiting, talking to the nurses etc. I actually had to convince them to let me try again, since the last time I attempted to give blood (13 years ago) they put a big note on my file about fainting. Anyway, in the end they gave me another chance.

I was halfway through the big bag of blood, in a record breaking 2 minutes (it used to take me quite a while to fill the bag), when the familiar light-headed feeling started creeping in. I let the nurse know, they immediately sprung into action, flipping my seat head down, cold compresses, a fan, the whole shebang. And thus, I have been banned from giving blood ever again...

On the one hand I am glad I tried again, now I know I am just not made to give blood. On the other hand I feel bad for causing all this trouble, really uncomfortable with all the hoopla made about me (I didn't even faint!), and a little bit embarrassed about the whole episode. Quite a few coworkers must have seen me there surrounded by nurses and compresses etc. Luckily I've lived down my share of embarrassing moments at work, so I am not overly concerned :)

Technical difficulties

Le sigh! I truly had good intentions for more posting (and still do in fact). Was interrupted by BR getting sick (two days of fever and misery followed by a week of antibiotics), but more importantly by technical adjustments. DH spent the weekend re-imaging my laptop, and then did it again on his day off yesterday. My poor laptop needed it in a bad way - it had become so sluggish it was bordering on unuseable. It's quite unbelievable how much faster and quieter it is working now! So I have no more technical excuses for the radio silence. My daily updates to BR's blog should take a fraction of the time they used to, leaving me more time for other posting/reading and miscellaneous activities.

But now it's bedtime, so any profound thoughts I had to share will have until later. Goodnight!

Getting chattier

I've been neglecting this blog quite a bit over the last few years (mostly due to all the blogging I do on BR's blog). But I miss it, and I get a little disappointed in how many fully composed (in my head) posts I have not managed to type up over the last while. So I am going to try something new - I am challenging myself to post something at least once a week.

So this post is my way of making sure I commit to this publicly, so that I hopefully don't forget about it ;)

Hoping to be talking to you a lot more very soon :)

Deer visitors

Picture taken out of BR's window this morning:

There were four deer in total, venturing out of the woods to find something to eat - mostly attacking low branches on our trees and shrubs.

Time with family

Went down to my office tonight to drop off and pick up some assorted things. Luckily I had grabbed the camera, as I got to snap this shot of a goose family:
Thanks to the fence, I didn't get attacked - they can be quite vicious!

Family ties

Conversation with BR this morning on our way out of the house:

BR: "Lamb and Froggie and Giraffe are sitting together. They are sisters."
Me: "Sisters are nice."
BR: "Papa is a sister."
Me: "Well, no, not quite."
BR: "Papa is a brother."
Me: "Yes, he is."
BR: "Papa is a brother to Mummy?"
Me: "..."

Of course I did go into the whole explanation of who is related to whom and how, but I thought it was just so cute to watch her explore all these new (to her) concepts...

Passport pictures

How come they always seem to suck? We just got some done this weekend, and DH looks like some kind of serial killer, I look totally matronly, and while BR looks pretty cute, she seems so sad! And it's not like they forbid kids from smiling in these pictures ;)

Handheld doohickey?

I am starting to think I need to give in and get myself some kind of electronic tether device, like one of those modern cell phones or some kind of other handheld device. I don't really need the cell part of it, as I rarely find myself wishing I could call someone (though I imagine that could change easily once I actually had a cellphone). But I am finding it hard to keep on top of all the "to-do" lists I have on the go, and even more importantly ;) the blog post ideas that pop up in the most odd places, like the dentist's waiting room.

So in the interest of having my life flow smoother, keeping the number of to-do lists to a respectable 2 or 3 (instead of the dozens floating around right now), keeping better track of appointments and commitments, and generally be less frazzled at times (at least I hope so), I am convinced I need to get me one of those things.

A few years ago my company was running a trial of the network (one part of the company was working on wireless networks), so I signed up and got to use a fancy cellphone/PDA/wifi thing for a little over a year. It certainly helped me get more organized, but I was really hard on it, and after a while it started spontaneously hard rebooting on me, losing all my information in the process and driving me absolutely mad!!! So I have to be careful in my choice of device... Obviously those things have come a long way in the last few years, so it should be easy to find something more robust :)

So if I have any readers left after my prolonged silences, if you have any ideas/suggestions let me know (via comments, emails, or whatever works for you, I am not picky). I haven't started looking yet, so any pointers at all are very much appreciated.

And if you're thinking it's odd that someone working for a telecomm company has no clue about wireless devices, my lame excuse is that I've never worked in the wireless division, and like many old-school geeks I am somewhat gadget-averse and have a big phobia of ongoing expenses like monthly service fees. What can I say, it takes all kinds, eh :)

Discombobulated

Background info: my current employer is in bankruptcy protection, and selling off different divisions one at a time, including my area, which was sold at auction and is currently being transferred to the new owner. This week we've seen layoffs for some, and job offers extended to others.

I am only now realizing how discombobulated I've been feeling over the last few weeks. Luckily it's all job related ;) We've known for a while that 15% layoffs were coming early in the year. I don't even think my crappy frame of mind had anything to do with being worried for my job (at this point I am mostly feeling fatalistic about the whole thing, and I'd like to think I would have been mostly ok no matter the outcome); I think it's the whole atmosphere at work getting to me. Things have been quiet, hushed, everyone huddling down and trying to get their own work done lest they appear as not being busy enough (and hence somewhat disposable). It made for a very grim workplace, a far cry from the usually friendly and mostly cooperative environment I am used to...

The fly in the ointment here is that I've finally snagged the team lead position I had been promised eons ago (as in, before I even got pregnant), so I should be ramping up my leadership role. I thought I was doing pretty well at first, but I am realizing that the last few weeks I've basically been doing the bare minimum on that front, basically just focusing on my individual goals, due to the aforementioned atmosphere...

The layoffs were announced yesterday, and job offers extended today. And yes, I am one of the lucky recipients of an offer letter. I am hoping I can somehow drag myself out of this fog and start focusing on the task at hand (leading the team) before I seriously start hating my job with a passion and become grumpy and bitter...

P.S. I am hoping that now that I've broken the long blog silence, I will get back to posting more regularly. I have tons of blog-thoughts rattling in my brain asking to be released...

Company for breakfast

This morning, BR and I were having breakfast, when all of a sudden I noticed some movement outside our kitchen window. I turned BR's high chair around so she would have a good view, ran to get the camera, and started snapping.

At first, you could barely see them:
Then a brave soul ventured a little closer:

Soon to be joined by a few friends:


BR couldn't stop laughing at their white tails :)