Discussions

I spent all of yesterday evening with a few fellow first-time Mothers of 1 year olds. Babies stayed at home with Dads and/or family, and we went out on the town. It was really nice to be able to hang out and chat, and I was quite surprised that only about half the conversation centered around the kids. Although a good chunk did revolve around the husbands and their involvement (or lack thereof) in all things household-ish.

But while it was nice to be able to sit there and chat and compare notes and just be able to eat and drink in peace (no, I don't really get to get out much), I was also quite surprised and saddened to realise that there was a lot of feelings of unfair work splitting between the spouses. As usual, it really seems to be a case of misplaced expectations. I mean, even if both spouses are planning to contribute 50/50, unless you explicitly discuss what that 50/50 means, there's bound to be some disappointments. For example if the mother nurses, meaning she takes care of the majority of the feedings (if not all), should the father take on more diaper changes? What is "fair", really?

As always when it comes to relationships, the answer is communication. Being able to express your wants/needs is the first step in making sure their met. Well, actually, the first step is probably figuring them out in the first place - that's probably the hardest part. Ideally, all that stuff can be sorted out before the baby comes into the picture, because once (s)he is here, time an patience are at much more of a premium, and long, quiet and composed discussions can become a thing of the past. Communicating in shorthand is usually all that can be afforded.

In our specific case, DH and I had spent a lot of time prior to BRs birth figuring out the split of responsibilities. Not because it was a hard one to figure out (me- take care of all things baby, DH- pitch in around the house, take care of cars, work and long-term planning), but because we wanted to make sure we were both comfortable with it. Because we knew it's hard to go back and renegotiate those things when sleep deprived, overwhelmed and overstressed.

Still, there are things that crop up now and then that threaten to topple our carefully built pyramid of domestic bliss :) In a society where the old divisions of labour no longer apply, and new divisions have to be negotiated for a true and fair partnership, sometimes you have to renegotiate. And sometimes that happens in the most inopportune times.

That's the train of thought I embarked upon after our long and therapeutic conversation. I mean really, who needs to sleep at midnight anyway?

Cherry on top of the sundae

So after fighting with the car all morning, then hearing about the bankruptcy protection, I also found out last night that there is a recall for the crib that BR sleeps in. All in all, we can handle all of those small hurdles, but I sure hope that's it for bad news. I'm getting enough stress at work right now (completely unrelated to the filings, more related to coworkers), that it's at times hard to keep things in proper perspective...

On the good news front, we've now had 2-3 nights with BR only waking up once around 2 AM. Means I am starting to catch up on my sleep after a week of frequent wakings, taking care of a coughing baby all night (including sleeping with her resting half-vertical on my chest to drain the congestion for hours at a time). So maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel?

I'm afraid this post makes me sound more down than I actually am. I have been a little stressed by the work stuff, car trouble and trying to somehow partition my time between work and family, but overall I am still enormously thankful for everything I have and determined to make it all work and not let real or perceived obstacles bring me down. Having BR in my life helps keep things in perspective, and I am much better about letting go of stresses and frustrations than I was before she came into this world.

Time to start working on updating my resume :)

Work news

My company officially filed for bankruptcy protection today. In a way, it doesn't really come as a shock, we've been hearing rumors and innuendos for a while now. But still, it was kind of nice to be able to stay in denial. Now it's official. Sucky thing is, they don't have to pay severances
for layoffs under bankruptcy protection. Also, I need to keep my job until April if I even want to dream about getting any employment insurance...

But in the meantime, there's still work to take care of, and customers who are waiting for stuff. So we go on slogging away....

Frozen comedy

It's cold today. In fact, it's very cold. Like -26 celsius, -39 with the windchill. Brrrr... Luckily, since we've been hearing the windchill and frostbite warnings for today all week, I somehow prepared mentally for it, and didn't find it too shocking when I walked out of the house this morning.

I bundled up BR nicely, bundled myself up, put some cream on our faces (she would not let me cover up her face at all), and we ventured out into the freezing cold. Got to the garage with some residual house warmth left, and I was feeling pretty good about getting to the daycare early for a change. I went to open the rear passenger door to put BR in her car seat, only to find out the door was frozen shut. So here I am, babe in hand, trying to wrestle the door open. No can do. I stood her up on the floor, leaning against my legs, and tried to pry the door open with both hands. Still no luck. I popped her into the front passenger seat, which worked well as she was so bundled up she couldn't really move around :) I went to start the car, which proved to be somewhat problematic as well, despite the fact that it had been plugged in (or maybe because of it). In the end, though, I convinced it to start.

I still had to figure out a way to get at least one of the back doors open, as it would be quite challenging to get myself and BR into the back seat without that. I ended up getting in through the trunk, and pushing the door out. You gotta wonder what BR was thinking this whole time about the crazy gymnastics Mum was engaging in. She has a lot of patience for my eccentricities :)

After all that, I figure the rest of the day has got to be easy as pie :)

These are a few of my favourite things

In no particular order:

* BR having a big hearty belly laugh. When she's tired after a whole day of daycare, she tends to find most things I do completely hilarious. Funny noises, funny faces, funny voices or funny gestures, she's not picky. It's quite heartwarming!

* DH becoming all protective of our little family. When I was staying at home, he let me set the tone of everything that was going on around here. Now that we're both back to work, he seems to have found more of a voice, and has many opinions about the best things for us. I think it's great, because most of his opinions make a lot of sense (as much as it sometimes pains me to admit it).

* BR requesting to be put in bed by pointing to her crib when she's tired. I was really worried that she would fight us when it came to bedtime, but it seems like she only has good associations with her crib, and actually likes to spend time in there. In the morning, she plays quietly with her little turtle, waiting for us to get up, and most of the time we don't even know she's awake!

There's more, but I really need to go to bed and go to sleep. I'll have to add the rest another time.

This kid is going to be a handful some day...

and that day is coming soon I fear...

It's no surprise to anyone who's met BR for even the briefest time, that she is an independent spirit. She's not much interested in cuddles or displays of affection, preferring solitaire exploration and discovery. She does not like to have books read to her, instead she insists on choosing the pages and pointing to what she is interested in (and you can then read it or tell her what she is pointing to). Since she's learned to crawl and especially walk with the help of Dad's hands and/or the couch, the ottoman and assorted other pieces of furniture, she will often get mad when I try to pick her up, because that is loss of control, and she will simply have none of it... And she generally refuses to come to you if you ask her, simply on principle. Even when I come to pick her up at daycare, she will only crawl over to me on her own terms, not if/when I ask her to.

And so I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised this morning, when I handed her a giftbag with a nice big book in it (thinking "she loves books, especially big ones, this one is the biggest yet, she's bound to just love it") and asked her to open it up, and she simply took a quick look at it and crawled away. It took until the evening for her to actually decide she was now ready to discover the contents of the bag.

Later on, I took her into the basement with me while I was refilling the pellet stove. I have a little kid chair and table setup for her there, so she can sit and watch me while I mill around. Unfortunately she has been figuring out how to stand on the chair and then crawl up onto the tabletop. It's not very high, but she could still get quite hurt if she fell onto the concrete floor. And so I sternly told her not to climb onto the table. The little monkey looked at me with a wide, happy grin, shook her head sideways (to signal "no"), and then climbed up some more, visibly delighted to be doing something she shouldn't be. I may have to start calling her CM for Cheeky Monkey instead of BR!

Life changes

I just got a call from a "Private Number" here at work. While before BR (or BBR) it wouldn't have meant much of anything to me, today I found myself instantly wondering "Oh no! Is it the daycare? Someone from the daycare? Something is up with BR?". Turns out it was something totally mundane (a coworker calling from a cell), but I found it interesting to observe my immediate reaction. Being a parent changes you...

The first day of the rest of my life

Last night, after my family had left and we'd gotten the house cleaned up, it suddenly hit me: tomorrow we were going back to work and daycare. Intellectually, I knew it well, but I hadn't taken any time to think what it would mean to us and specifically to me. When I went back to work in December, it almost felt like a temporary thing, I knew it was only for a few weeks and then we would have almost two weeks off to spend together as a family.

And now the break is over, and it's back to work full time for both DH and myself, and daycare for BR. What a reality check! We're establishing a routine, a pattern, that will serve us for a long time to come, maybe until elementary school? High school? It seems like very serious business.

I guess what this really means is that the break was good. In fact, I'd even say the last week might have been the happiest week of my life. Not the most exciting or extravagant, but definitely the most peaceful and content. Spending my time with DH and BR felt so right, it's almost like we built a little cocoon for ourselves and nested all together.

Now, that's not to say it's all sunshine and roses, it's not like we all of a sudden see eye-to-eye on everything, it's not like there's no moments of frustration or disappointment. But I feel like we've come a long way in learning to deal with all those bumps in a way that's not damaging to BR, and it feels good to see we've made so much progress.

And the result just speaks for itself: BR is such a happy, spirited, independant and interactive kid, I love her more each day. I always enjoyed newborns and babies, and I knew I'd have a lot of fun with BR when she first joined us, but I find with time I'm enjoying her even more! She's such a little person now, growing in leaps and bounds every day!

Alright, better end this post before it gets overly mushy. Her birthday is just 2 days away now :)

Separation anxiety part 2

And so it has finally happened. The baby is in daycare, and I am back at work. As predicted, the separation seems to be way harder on the adult in this relationship. BR, while not always thrilled to be in the care of other people, seems nevertheless to be adjusting very well. She does not want to be bothered with saying goodbye in the morning, choosing instead to crawl over to the mountain of toys to explore and discover what new playthings have been set out this morning. When I come pick her up, she's delighted to see me, and spends her time pointing out things of interest in the room (decorations, toys etc).

Once we get home, she's just her cheery old self, especially if DH is around to play with her. This is very much a relief for us, since I've seen several babies of friends who got so upset about being sent to daycare, that they are mopey and clingy at home. This may still happen for BR, but for now she's doing great.

The funny thing is that a lot of people tend to take credit, or blame themselves for how their kid adjusts to daycare. For example, people say that their kid adjusted well, because they had had regular babysitters. But when it comes to BR, the only thing I tried to do is not let my anxiety show so that BR would not have negative connotations about daycare (I did that mostly through denial ;)). So really, the reason she's doing so well with this transition, is because of her personality, and not anything we did to "prepare" her for this. She is secure in her attachment to me, and that has definitely been helped by spending the year with her, but in the end, I don't believe that's the most important piece of the puzzle. She was born very curious and independent, and because of that, daycare seems to work for her.

Of course now I'm realizing I was secretly hoping that daycare would not work for her, and that I would be "forced" to quit and stay home with her for another little while. Yes, indeed, I am having way more trouble with this transition than she is. I keep wondering how she's doing, I catch myself wondering when she's going to wake up so I can go pick her up (pretty much the only time spent without her for the last year was when she was taking a nap). Digging myself out from under 6000 email messages at work doesn't seem nearly as important as helping BR walk around the room by holding her little hands...

They say you have to give it some time, and I'm prepared to do that for sure. But so far, this seems to have been the hardest part of being a parent this whole year. With the possible exception of watching my baby being sick. Sigh!

P.S. Not helping matters is the fact that the daycare providers are not letting BR use the potty, even though I have provided one, and she does make a sign when she needs to go. I can imagine this is more frustrating for her than it is for me, as she's been so good about roaming around the house diaper free. You win some, you lose some I guess.

Separation anxiety

I was really trying to post more frequently... Not being very successful, though. Not for lack of thinking of things to say (it seems I'm always composing a post in my head these days), just lack of prolonged quiet computer time I guess.

And now it's almost time for me to go back to work. I'm going back next week. Just a month shy of BR's first birthday. Which seems odd to many people, since I am entitled to take the whole year off. But I've decided to go back early for many reasons. For one, I was off work for a whole month before BR was born (though technically the first 4 weeks were just vacation, so I am still entitled to another 4 weeks off). Financially, this makes a lot more sense, because I will be paid my full salary during the Christmas shutdown (instead of just employment insurance) while still staying at home with BR. Also, it allows DH to take the whole month off with pretty much full salary - good benefits at the government! From the perspective of my job, going back for those few weeks in December will allow me to get back into the swing of things while everyone else is winding down for their holidays. Coming back in January, I would have to hit the ground running, no time to get back into the groove. It also makes the whole daycare thing easier: we were so lucky to get a spot in a local licensed daycare (only 30 spots for one year olds in all of Kanata), starting in December, so we gladly took it. We can introduce BR to the daycare quite slowly, especially with DH at home and me going back to work slowly. On the other hand, I am sure I will be glad to be going to work while BR is in daycare, cause if I was still on leave I would probably be stressing out big time...

Which brings me to the topic of the day: separation anxiety. Not BR, though, so far she's doing great, and while we dropped by the daycare today, she had no trouble being held and fed by the daycare teachers. We'll see what happens when I'm not in the room (that will be next Monday). I am actually starting to get worried about myself. I've been preparing myself mentally to go back to work for the last few weeks, and I thought I was doing fine. And then this afternoon, while hanging out at home with BR, I found myself getting annoyed at the tiniest little things... I finally realized, that I had been somehow putting great pressure on myself to make sure our last few days of full togetherness were "perfect". Which of course is an impossible task when you're talking about life with a baby (if there's anything I've learned over the last year, it's the value of "going with the flow" :)). That's when I realized how much I am actually dreading this whole return to work. I've been putting on a brave face, for BR, for DH, and even for myself, and stuffing down those feelings of dread... Well, they finally resurfaced today.

Now, I'm still going to go ahead with the daycare, and going back to work. The plan from the start was to give it all a chance, and I'm still planning to do that. At first, I'm just concentrating on getting to the Christmas holidays. We'll see how everyone feels at that point, and reassess. Yes, I am expecting a major setback when it comes to potty training (BR has been using her own version of the "toilet" sign for almost two weeks, and we've been diaper-less with minor accidents only whenever we're home). Yes, it's quite upsetting to be forcing her hand in the weaning process, especially since she's been using the sign for "milk" for a month now, and seems a little confused that I've stopped honoring her requests (not to mention the physical discomfort that comes with eliminating a few nursings in a short period of time). But mostly, I just want to make sure she doesn't appear to be feeling ignored at the daycare, and that hanging out with friends makes up at least a little bit for being separated from her parents for the major part of the day.

As long as she's still her happy little self, I think I'll be able to focus on work at some point (maybe by the time January rolls around). In the meantime, I have to try really hard to not let her see my apprehension over this whole thing. As it is, she's bound to pick up on it at least a little, she's a pretty perceptive girl...

The feudinator

Ok, so I've been working on this post for over a month. It just has to come out as is, no point in procrastinating anymore... It's kind of neither here nor there, some fairly personal stuff, but it's time to release it, I can't hold onto it any longer.

For a little background on this story: BR turns out to be a very sensitive kid. She is fairly easily startled, and she definitely has a big issue with angry yelling. The last time she was exposed to it, she started having nightmares, issues with clinginess and started being scared of any kind of noise. We're just starting to get over it now. She hasn't had nightmares in a while, and she's on her way to sleeping through the night again (knock on wood). This was a little surprising to me, really, since I'm not the quietest or the gentlest person around, so it's not like she's been raised in a sensory deprivation environment or anything. But the kid does not like screaming...

Unfortunately, shouting matches seem to be par for the course in my parents' culture. Especially when it comes to the men. And specifically, my step-father has a tendency to escalate things into yelling, sometimes out of the blue. Which I can more or less handle, after 20 odd years of exposure. But I cannot subject BR to it in clear conscience. So in general we've tried to avoid getting into situations where we might get entangled with his angry outbursts.

But here's the rub: Christmas time. Our family always spends the holidays together, usually at our house. It's bigger than my folks' place, it's nice and quiet in the wintertime, we can ski in the backyard etc... It's kind of tradition for my whole clan (parents + sisters) to gather at our house and celebrate. And the pattern is usually lots of great fun and cheer, punctuated with sporadic outbursts of anger.

So this year I had to be proactive. I called my Mum to let her know that for BRs sake we cannot tolerate yelling and screaming at our house over the holidays. She was quite taken aback (not surprisingly, since I've barely ever stood up to her). Her immediate reaction was to say that she cannot guarantee calmness, and that even thinking about it would be way too stressful, she couldn't handle it, and in that case she would rather travel over the holidays. In fact, this would be a perfect opportunity to take that trip to Peru she has always dreamed about. I have to admit I was quite surprise, as I hadn't anticipated such a turn of events. But I felt like I was the one who brought up the whole mess, so I should just accommodate her decision. I mean, it will be tough to not see my clan for the holidays here, but if that's her choice, I just have to deal with it.

Little did I know, I committed a major faux pas. I am still not sure what really happened, or how I should have acted/reacted to this whole thing. Mum seems to have gotten very mad, and I get the distinct impression that she's expecting me to make amends somehow, though I am not sure how. To add to the mess of confusion, there's been lots of unpleasant and stressful stuff going on in her life, which caused her to flat out shut me out, refusing to talk to me (causing me to stress out not being able to be there/support her in times of crisis). We're back on talking terms, but there's still lots of resentment and frustration right below the surface.

So that's where we're at right now. I would really like to get this situation resolved, for the benefit of everyone involved. I mean it's not good for BR nor for my Mum to have such a strained relationship. BR will only be this small once, and Mum is missing many of her firsts. I don't think anything can be resolved over the phone (a phone conversation started this whole mess after all). It's also hard to figure out a way to get some face to face time with my Mum, what with BR and the rest of the family and logistics. She doesn't seem to want to see me these days...

I'm trying very hard to avoid putting blame on anyone for the situation, and to understand that there's a lot more to the whole situation than what I can see. But I feel very strongly that I have to stand up for BR, as I have been entrusted with her safety and well-being. I don't want to hurt or upset my own Mum of course, but if I have to choose, BR will be my choice every time. I just wish it didn't feel so crappy. What it comes down to, is that I wish I didn't have to choose.

So there you have it. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. And as if that wasn't enough conflict for me, we were recently informed by one of our friends that a mutual acquaintance has made it known that she does not want to attend any events with me, asking people to either invite her or me. Our friend was wondering what this feud was all about. Well, the whole thing was complete news to me, since I'd talked to the girl on the phone the week before, and she was coming over to our house on the weekend. So there's apparently another feud I'm involved in, though mostly blissfully unaware.

Am I really that aggravating??? You gotta wonder...

Long silence

It's been quite a while since I've last posted. Apparently more than 4 months, although it sure doesn't feel like it. Of course that time was filled with travel (and lots of it), several colds for both BR and myself (and DH on occasion), and the ever wonderful search for daycare.

When it comes to travel, I think we got very lucky. Having covered over 22 thousand kilometers by plane (Mtl<->Warsaw, Ott<->Seattle, Mtl<->Hfx), with maybe a total of 10 minutes of crying, most of the credit goes to BR's sunny disposition. However, I think one of the factors contributing to the success of the plane trips was her age. I'm not sure she would be quite as amenable to air travel now as she was over the summer. She doesn't go to sleep quite as easily these days, and is not as easily amused anymore. I may have to travel with her again in a few months, so we'll see how that works out...

As far as daycare hunting is concerned, all I can say is if you're in Ottawa, you have to get yourself put on the centralized waiting list as soon as you can. As soon as the pregnancy is confirmed and you have a due date if possible. I procrastinated a bit, mostly because I was in denial I think, and that almost backfired big time. We got pretty lucky in the end to get a spot in an actual licensed daycare center. If you can believe it, in the whole city of Kanata (population of over 50 thousand people), there are only 20 spots for babies under 18 months in licensed daycares. Which means the great majority of babies are sent into home daycares. After visiting a handful of those, I was thoroughly depressed. It's pretty hard to find a nice place, in a nice area, with a good daycare provider, and good kids. A few of the things I saw when looking for a place for BR were:

• a daycare in a home that's in the middle of a construction zone; with construction equipment zooming by, shaking the whole place, noise and pollution abounding;
• a place where the carpet I put BR on (and sat on myself) had black, stinky stains, and children running up and down the stairs unsupervised
• a daycare where the whole "play area", consisting of the whole first floor of the townhouse, was smaller than my kitchen, filled with a mess of toys, but dominated by a giant flat screen TV...
• a place where the daycare provider's kids were undisciplined and screaming at the top of their lungs just to get Mum's attention, while Dad was busy playing computer games upstairs...

Just to name a few. None of the home daycares provided me with any sort of warm fuzzies. I'd anticipated the search for a daycare would be painful, but it certainly surpassed any of my fears. In fact, even though we have a spot reserved at the daycare center, I am still not sure I want to send BR anywhere for 9 hours a day. It just doesn't seem right. We keep doing all sorts of creative math to see how far we can stretch DH's salary and keep me at home most of the time. We'll see what we come up with :)

In the meantime, I am planning to do some more posting here. Really, it shouldn't be that hard for me to come up with post ideas. I've almost doubled the list of blogs I am following in my reader, so if nothing else, I can look for some inspiration there. But I have lots of ideas bouncing around in my head anyway, so there should be lots to read over the next little while...

Random thoughts

My first few months of being a parent have been full of interesting surprises. Luckily most of them have been good :) Here's a random sample of the latest ones.

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So far, DH has been very good about taking care of BR whenever I've needed to go out (whether it be choir Tuesday nights, or a run for groceries or whatever). For quite a while, he would prefer that she was asleep when I left, and I can't blame him for it, especially since these days his back won't let him pick her up, and she is less likely to have a screaming fit while sleeping (although the screaming fit has happened exactly once, so it's quite unlikely). So yesterday I wanted to take advantage of the break in the rain to cut the grass, and I told DH "So as soon as she's asleep, I'll leave her with you and go outside". To which he replied indignantly "Why asleep? I can take care of her while she's awake!". Yes, the time has come when DH has so much fun playing with BR, he'd rather do that than watch TV ;)

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I've always looked forward to the harder tasks of parenting, helping my kid(s) grow up to be decent human beings, teaching them wrong from right, self-control etc. Always thought I was up for the challenges that parenting brings. And now all of a sudden I seem to be wimping out. Just the thought of having to discipline BR at some point makes me sad. I know I need to do what's best for her, which includes setting limits and boundaries and all that good stuff, but deep inside I just want to make her life fun and easy. She is just such a ray of sunshine, it's very hard to imagine being firm and strict with her. Welcome to the realities of parenting, where all your preconceived notions go out the window :)
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As much as I enjoy having the opportunity to sleep through the whole night again, I have to say I miss the middle of the night feedings. I was quite enjoying the opportunity to cuddle and the only breastfeeding moments when she wasn't getting distracted by the world at large. It was just me and her in the quiet semi-darkness, peaceful moments of togetherness. And I was in no hurry to see her sleep through the night, despite my Mom's insistence that at 3 months BR was "ready for it". I knew the time would come, and I knew I would miss it. I am also still waking up in the middle of the night worried that I haven't heard anything from BR in more than 4 hours (she sleeps for 9 hours straight these days), and wondering if she's ok. It's sometimes hard to resist the temptation to get up and check on her :) But of course she's ok, and she does wake up quite famished when DH gets up for work.

I'm a slacker...

I wish I could blame my blog silence on being extremely busy, but I think the truth is that I've been pretty lazy about writing. I keep composing blog entries in my head, but when it comes to actually typing them in, I tend to lose focus and start surfing for new blogs to read and get addicted to. One of the problems is that I rarely have long stretches of uninterrupted time, as Bunny naps are getting shorter and shorter and less frequent... It took me two days to compose this post...

On the good news front:
I am very impressed with the power company. Monday night, when BR woke us up for her 2AM feeding, we noticed we had no power. Then we noticed a pikc-up truck idling on our strret in front of our house. Turns out the storm that night had broken a branch of one of our poplars, which most likely did some damage to the power lines, taking out power on the whole street. By 6AM it was all fixed and back to normal. I suspect no one actually called them to report the outage, since it happened in the middle of the night, so I am very impressed with the speed of the detection/diagnosis/fix of the problem. Just a few years ago it would have taken them a few days to get this all sorted out!

Also good news: BR cut her first tooth without too much fuss. She's been fighting a cold all week, which makes her a little less smiley than usual, but she certainly hasn't been complaining much, or crying, or having problems sleeping. I'm thanking my lucky stars. I knew her teeth were going to come early, as she's been drooling profusely for quite a while, and MIL had warned me that all three of her kids got their first tooth at 4 months. Now as long as I can convince her to not chomp down at feeding time, all is good :)

Lastly, I am so glad I decided to give Google reader a try. Combined with high speed internet, it turned the 45 minutes it used to take me to catch up on the blogs I follow into a 5-10 minute update in the morning. Now I keep adding new blogs to follow :)

In other news, we're flying to Poland in less than a week. I'm driving to Montreal with BR, and then we're flying KLM to Schiphol, and on to Warsaw. I am so glad my Mom is coming with us, I don't think I would want to do the trip on my own. I've been slowly packing for weeks, and I'm beginning to feel like I'm almost set. Just a few last minute details to take care of. Which is good, because we have a busy weekend coming up, with not one but two birthday parties to attend, so not much packing or trip planning will be happening then.

Mother's day weekend

And what a busy weekend this was. I had a dentist appointment, a birthday party for a 1 year old son of friends, and a trip to Montreal with the Bunny Rabbit. All went well, but I am a bit exhausted.

A few things worth noting though. Don't have much time, so I'll just do a bullet-form list.

The good:

• BR laughing out loud for several people. She thought my Mom's friend E was hilarious when she was telling her what a beautiful baby she was (laughing mostly at how she said it, not what she said I'm sure). She found my sister's boyfriend's smile just unbelievably funny, laughing loudly whenever he smiled at her. And when my sister did funny dances in front of her, she just could not stop giggling. It was so great to see my child respond so happily to other people. She's such a great kid!
• My middle sister went above and beyond the call of duty. She got a great present for my Mom (a GPS for the woman who gets lost a lot), she got flowers both for Mom and me for Mother's day (yay!). And she got a gift for BR as well! And she looked nice and healthy (she's on a anti-inflammatory diet), and she was in a great mood - always good to see.
• My little sister is going to Spain on Tuesday, and getting all excited about. We managed to convince her she needs travel health insurance, and that she needs to worry about thieves... She should be alright, she's got a good head.

Now for the bad. Finally, after 4 months, I got more opinions/advice about BR than I was prepared for:

• I was told multiple times that BR is too young to be sitting up in a stroller (half-reclined), or worse yet sitting on the potty for 2 minutes. Apparently I am destroying her spine! Never mind that her doctor told me she was ready for more vertical time, since she's a big and strong baby, and 4 months old to boot!
• I was also told multiple times within a span of 5 minutes, that I was freezing my baby. "She's cold". "Poor baby, she's all blue, she must be freezing". "Look at the poor frozen baby". "OMG, her hands are so cold" (they were warmer than mine just for the record). Etc, etc. All from the same person. And that despite the fact that I 1) acknowledged their concern and told them I was going to put a sweater on her in 5 minutes and 2) BR was just happy as a clam, smiling and laughing and kicking off any blankets that we would put on her. I did appreciate it the first time he mentioned that she might be cold, as I did not notice right away that the weather was getting cooler (I have a tendency to respond slowly to changes in temperature), but after a while I was getting ready to pummel him. Grr.

The "shake your head" moments:

• Being told about BR that "she looks intelligent, not like one of those idiot babies". Hmm, thanks, I guess?
• The following exchange:

"When is the baptism?"
"Oh, there isn't one"
"You mean later?"
"No, I mean there isn't one"
after a few more iterations of the above:
"You mean it's an option? I didn't think it was actually possible not to baptize your child".
I guess I better get used to that, as I will get royally grilled about this when we go to Poland next month...


All in all, a great weekend. Now I need to get some sleep :)

Motherhood

Even though I haven't been posting much lately, I've slowly resumed my blog reading addiction. A few days ago, I read this post and it's been on my mind ever since.

The post talks about how much harder life with newborn twins is compared to a singleton. While that may seem like a no-brainer "d'uh" for most of us, I guess some people don't quite get it. I guess it helps when you personally know people with twins and realize how much extra work it is. I have to admit I am in awe of parents of multiples, as well as single parents, especially now that I'm a Mom myself.

But the thing that resonated with me from the post was the following line:
This is not the kind of parent I thought I would be.

Even though I only had one little newborn Bunny, and even though she is such an easy baby and a good sleeper (meaning I cannot blame sleep deprivation for anything), I have had the feeling above on many, many, many occasions over the last 3 months.

Really, I have it so good. I am off for the whole year, I only have one child to take care of, she's healthy and happy and good-natured. And believe me, I count my blessings every day! I guess in a way because I have it so good, I've set very high expectations for myself as a parent. After all, I should be able to spend my every waking moment making sure that Bunny is properly entertained, that she gets the requisite amount of tummy time, that I read to her daily etc. And I try to make sure all of that happens, with varying degrees of success (she really dislikes tummy time :S).

But the thing is, I always seem to find something that makes me feel guilty. For example, since she's had baby acne, cradle cap, yeasty diaper rash and eczema, I keep wondering if she's getting washed enough/too much, if I'm using the right products, you know, the standard fretful Mom thing. Or the fact that she wasn't interested at all in books until the last week or so, was that because I wasn't presenting them to her in the right way? There's no end of things to worry about. Which is not something I expected at all, since I'm not usually one to fret and dwell on things.

Now, I'm not saying that this in any way compares to taking care of newborn twins, but what I am realizing is that it may just be a pretty universal experience to feel guilty/inadequate in the first few months of motherhood. No matter whether we're in an impossibly hard situation, or a relatively easy one, we will fret and worry, and feel guilty etc, and I guess we have to find a way to deal with it and accept that there's no such thing as a perfect parent. Which makes me feel a little better... But it makes me sympathize even more with the mothers who do have a less than ideal situation and have to deal with those pesky feelings on top of everything else...

HB to DH

Today is DH's birthday. He is not likely to visit this blog, but nevertheless, happy birthday sweetie! What a crazy rollercoaster year this has been! Hopefully the next year will be a little less chaotic (if that's at all possible with a baby in the house).

A quick update on life at our house: getting nicely settled with the BR. She still sleeps well and lots, travels well and enjoys guests. We've been to Montreal overnight (just her and me), which I consider a major accomplishment. She's a sweetheart, and getting more interactive every day. We're starting a Mommy and me yoga class next Tuesday. Full time motherhood is turning out to be incredibly amazing, yet at the same time often overwhelming. Being so completely responsible for this tiny little innocent being sometimes seems like a heavy weight. I try to take it one day at a time, and appreciate all those tiny sweet moments. Like when I come into her room first thing in the morning, and she gives me this wonderful sunny smile that melts my heart...

I try to keep busy with little projects whenever she is asleep. For example replacing a zipper in DHs suit pants. Please remind me to never, ever undertake a zipper replacement again. It's not for the faint of heart! I am looking forward to the melting of the heaps of snow so we can start spending more time outdoors, and maybe even gardening...

Brrr

What a cold day! Just went out to get some wood, and it felt pretty chilly. Though the temp gauge assures me it's only -13 or so outside...

Not much new happening here. Days are flying by at a very fast pace. Bunny is growing, and she seems to be changing every day. I find it hard sometimes to keep up with her changes, things that work for her one day may not work the next... But she's still a great kid, sleeping well at night, now smiling at our crazy antics.

I try to keep somewhat busy, giving myself tasks for every day. On top of the mountain of laundry (I will have to post a picture of our "diaper trees": clothes racks with drying diapers), I try to get some cooking or cleaning or organizing done. On the days where we don't have any outings that is :) Bunny is sleeping less and less during the day, which is a really good thing as it gets her to interact with the world a lot more, but on the other hand it leaves me with less time to do my daily tasks. It's kind of hard (not to mention dangerous) to be stoking a fire with an infant in your hands, so I try to avoid it!

The picture at the top of the post is of an owl we saw in our back yard a few weeks ago (mentioned in Bunny's blog). I took the picture through our kitchen window, and the owl turned to look at me when I turned the camera on. She could hear that odd sound through our window - what phenomenal hearing!

No other news in this cozy corner of the world. I keep having lots of thoughts for posts, but never enough actual time/concentration to be able to write them all. In time I hope to get more organized, so that I can carve out some blogging time for myself during the week. At least I am now feeling more like myself, as the first 6 weeks postpartum felt like I was walking in a bit of a haze...

Hiatus

Well, maybe not quite a hiatus, but I may post a little less often. I'll be spending more of my time on the Bunny-Rabbit blog. Anything non Bunny related will be on here, but all baby stuff will go to the new blog.

I'll be seeing you over there!

Updates

Taking advantage of a good connection today, I am posting a more recent picture of the Bunny Rabbit - isn't she cute? And yes, we finally have a name for her, but I'm not going to use it on the blog; I'll just stick with BR, short for Bunny Rabbit.

I cannot believe that January is pretty much over; where did the time go? BR is going to be 4 weeks old on Monday! She's already so different from the newborn that first arrived here. But still the little angel! I really cannot complain about her:

• she sleeps lots, and will go 6 hours between feedings at night, giving me a chance to get some much needed uninterrupted sleep.
• she never cries without a reason; even when it seems like she's just being fussy, it usually that she needs a burp, or having some trouble with gas.
• she falls asleep on her own in her crib, and has done so from day 1; she doesn't do it every time, sometimes she needs some carrying around first, but most of the time she will eventually go to sleep in the crib without too much hassle.
• she loves music and singing, and will pretty much always pay attention if you sing to her
• she is patient and doesn't get frustrated easily, which was put to the test when we were learning the whole breastfeeding thing (still not 100% there, but we're getting much better at it); if we can't get the right latch, she will try again and again and again without any fuss.

warning - the next paragraph contains graphic descriptions not for the faint of heart; if you're squeamish, you may want to skip the rest of this post

There is one thing about BR that she would not want you know (but mean Mommy that I am, I will put it in my blog): she is a prolific, explosive pooper. She can poop long distance: when being changed on the bed, she can launch one right onto Mom's pants, missing the bed completely. She's even managed to shoot poop right into my bra (inside the cup), I still can't get over that one! The books always say to treat an undiapered baby as armed and dangerous, and it's so very true with this one! She has also on occasion managed to create a fountain of pee, but in general the peeing is containable, even without a diaper on (lucky for us she's a girl). So diaper changes are always an interesting time :)