So yesterday was my birthday. The big 3-2. Not a milestone birthday by any stretch, and yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is most likely because I've been in quite a bit of a slump for the last month. Nothing serious, just a bit of depression coming back to haunt me. Never let it be said that you can get over depression... No matter where you get in your life it's always lurking around the corner waiting to pounce the moment it realizes that you are vulnerable. Sigh!
Now, don't you go and get worried about me. The fact that I am actually writing about it tells me that I am much better able to handle this than I've ever been. I am not looking for sympathy, and this is not some cry for help, I just thought I'd document a bit of what's going on inside my head (a dicey proposition at the best of times!)...
In all fairness, my birthday itself was very nice. Everyone involved did their best to celebrate the occasion with enthusiasm and flair. My family in Montreal threw a dinner party Sunday night, which was quite delicious and very enjoyable. I got beautiful gifts and cards, and even cake (though it was chocolate, so I didn't actually have any). We didn't leave Montreal until late, so we got home past our bedtime, but it was worth it :)
Then last night DH took me out for dinner, and then we had another cake at home. This one was a raspberry mousse, so I had a decent sized piece :) He also got me a very very cute little marzipan tiger. I'll try to remember to take a picture of him one of these days so I can post it here.
So you're going to say this doesn't really sound like such a terrible birtday, and you're probably right. Except maybe for all the people asking me about my procreation plans... And most of those people were not even aware that it was my birthday! What, do I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "Please ask me about babies!!!"? I mean, I expect that from my Mom, but casual acquaintances at work??? Just plain weird. It doesn't really help that the writer of one of the blogs I've come to follow religiously get some terribly upsetting news yesterday (and I find that she communicates it so well, you feel like you're there with her...).
So why the long face you ask? They say depression doesn't need a reason, and that's probably true, and sometimes small things (and at times big things) can give you that little nudge... And now every time I think about writing a blog, the only things that come to mind are dark and gloomy thoughts. Instead of giving into that impulse, I've decided that I want to sit down and write an entry about all the happy moments in my life, and I hope to be able to do that at some point this week. But I have to admit that it's turning out to be a lot harder than expected. I could certainly go for hours talking about the low points, but really, I am dubious about the benefit of that. I am long past the point where it would feel cathartic, it seems more self-indulging and whiney... Yes, the bad times deserve to be documented at some point, but I'd rather see them documented with a good dose of humour (even if it's black), rather than self-pity... So they will have to wait until my sense of humour is back ;)
Other than that, 32 feels fine. My Mom was recalling how old she felt when she was 32 (and on her second pregnancy), but I don't find myself feeling much older than last week. Or wiser for that matter ;)
That's it for my birthday ramblings... I promise to be more upbeat in an upcoming entry (though that may have to wait, as spare time is pretty hard to find these days - tomorrow nigh our choir has another performance at a retirement residence, so I am sure tonight's practice is going to go late...).
Oh, and just so that this post is not all gloom and doom, I am really quite excited about the end of this month, as most of DH's family is planning to descend on our house. It will be DH's grandmother's 95th birthday, so BIL and his pregnant wife and their twins, SIL and her husband, and FIL are all going to come over to stay at our place for the weekend. I'm sure it's going to be fun (though hectic). And it will definitely help pull me out of this slump ;) Babies have a way of doing that!!! I'll be sure to post plenty of pictures.