Separation anxiety

I was really trying to post more frequently... Not being very successful, though. Not for lack of thinking of things to say (it seems I'm always composing a post in my head these days), just lack of prolonged quiet computer time I guess.

And now it's almost time for me to go back to work. I'm going back next week. Just a month shy of BR's first birthday. Which seems odd to many people, since I am entitled to take the whole year off. But I've decided to go back early for many reasons. For one, I was off work for a whole month before BR was born (though technically the first 4 weeks were just vacation, so I am still entitled to another 4 weeks off). Financially, this makes a lot more sense, because I will be paid my full salary during the Christmas shutdown (instead of just employment insurance) while still staying at home with BR. Also, it allows DH to take the whole month off with pretty much full salary - good benefits at the government! From the perspective of my job, going back for those few weeks in December will allow me to get back into the swing of things while everyone else is winding down for their holidays. Coming back in January, I would have to hit the ground running, no time to get back into the groove. It also makes the whole daycare thing easier: we were so lucky to get a spot in a local licensed daycare (only 30 spots for one year olds in all of Kanata), starting in December, so we gladly took it. We can introduce BR to the daycare quite slowly, especially with DH at home and me going back to work slowly. On the other hand, I am sure I will be glad to be going to work while BR is in daycare, cause if I was still on leave I would probably be stressing out big time...

Which brings me to the topic of the day: separation anxiety. Not BR, though, so far she's doing great, and while we dropped by the daycare today, she had no trouble being held and fed by the daycare teachers. We'll see what happens when I'm not in the room (that will be next Monday). I am actually starting to get worried about myself. I've been preparing myself mentally to go back to work for the last few weeks, and I thought I was doing fine. And then this afternoon, while hanging out at home with BR, I found myself getting annoyed at the tiniest little things... I finally realized, that I had been somehow putting great pressure on myself to make sure our last few days of full togetherness were "perfect". Which of course is an impossible task when you're talking about life with a baby (if there's anything I've learned over the last year, it's the value of "going with the flow" :)). That's when I realized how much I am actually dreading this whole return to work. I've been putting on a brave face, for BR, for DH, and even for myself, and stuffing down those feelings of dread... Well, they finally resurfaced today.

Now, I'm still going to go ahead with the daycare, and going back to work. The plan from the start was to give it all a chance, and I'm still planning to do that. At first, I'm just concentrating on getting to the Christmas holidays. We'll see how everyone feels at that point, and reassess. Yes, I am expecting a major setback when it comes to potty training (BR has been using her own version of the "toilet" sign for almost two weeks, and we've been diaper-less with minor accidents only whenever we're home). Yes, it's quite upsetting to be forcing her hand in the weaning process, especially since she's been using the sign for "milk" for a month now, and seems a little confused that I've stopped honoring her requests (not to mention the physical discomfort that comes with eliminating a few nursings in a short period of time). But mostly, I just want to make sure she doesn't appear to be feeling ignored at the daycare, and that hanging out with friends makes up at least a little bit for being separated from her parents for the major part of the day.

As long as she's still her happy little self, I think I'll be able to focus on work at some point (maybe by the time January rolls around). In the meantime, I have to try really hard to not let her see my apprehension over this whole thing. As it is, she's bound to pick up on it at least a little, she's a pretty perceptive girl...